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Why you shouldn’t teach your kids to respect their elders

Many sayings and traditions have stood the test of time, one that stood out from my childhood is that you must “respect your elders”.

Now, I’m not saying this a bad idea to drill into kids, but all I’m saying is…isn’t it a bit dated?

Gone are the days when children were seen but not heard and we all know how disciplining children has changed over the years.

Once upon a time, nobody would bat an eyelid at you giving your child a clip round the ear in public, but times have changed and now there’s a wider knowledge base and support network for disciplining children.

I’m not saying parents, grandparents, teachers or any authoritative adult in a child’s life shouldn’t be respected and listened to.

I’m not even saying that kids shouldn’t look up to their elders, these are the people they are modelling themselves on, all I’m saying is…

Shouldn’t we teach kids to “respect…everybody”

Isn’t it wiser to broaden the spectrum of who our children are taught to respect?

Shouldn’t parents have respect for their children?

Think about it….

We are teaching them how to be a person after all, we’re also teaching them what is acceptable and what isn’t?

If it is OK for an older person to be rude to a younger person, aren’t we just teaching our kids to accept abuse?

I know the saying doesn’t necessarily say that elders will be rude, it’s more of a way just to steer youngsters in the right direction, but I feel in a day and age where mutual respect is sort of given, doesn’t it make more sense that we teach our kids to have respect for each other, so there are no blurred lines?

I had the thought to write this blog post because of a situation I saw in my doctor’s waiting room last week, I was waiting to get Nicole’s immunisations and there was another lady getting her 1 year old daughter into her buggy after getting her jabs. Her daughter was obviously upset after getting FOUR injections, the poor little love, I think I’d be crying too, but to be honest I didn’t really notice, she wasn’t overly screaming or drawing attention to herself. Her poor mother was trying her best to soothe her and get all their gubbins together (we all know how much baggage these little people come with). Then out of nowhere an elderly lady (at least in her eighties) pipes up and has the audacity to tell the mother she should be talking to her daughter, that she shouldn’t be ignoring her! I’m not being funny, but…

  1. Who the hell asked her?
  2. The mother was most definitely NOT ignoring her daughter
  3. We all know that kids are much better in motion and it was obvious the woman was rushing to get the heck out of dodge

Now I know this doesn’t directly relate to the saying “respect your elders” that I’ve been discussing in this blog post, but I have been thinking about that situation for about a week now and it made me think, why did this woman feel she had the right to openly and publicly judge this mother? Also why did the Mum not feel she had the right to argue back?

It’s difficult…especially with older frail people, sometimes it’s better to walk away, rather than raise the heart rate of an eighty year old, but I’m more interested to why it happened in the first place.

Obviously with people who are generations older than us, they have built into them what their parents taught them, of course they do, don’t we all? So maybe it’s not our place to change them but change the future? To prevent these situations in the future, it’s important we teach mutual respect for our children between people of all ages.

I know, I know….the world of parenting isn’t black and white! We all break our own rules sometimes and there are always things we wished we had done differently, but there’s nothing wrong with putting ideas in our kids heads about what they should accept and how they should treat other people. Plus we all know not everyone teaches their children to be respectful, but that doesn’t mean we can’t teach our children to politely respect other people even if that means people they don’t like there’s a polite way to ignore someone than openly flashing evil stares to their primary school nemesis.

I’ve rambled on for a while now over just a little thought, but it’s one that’s been on my mind for a while, instead of ONLY respecting our elders, let’s respect EVERYBODY.

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PND | First Counselling Session | An Update

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how my doctor had diagnosed me with Postnatal Depression.

I was referred for counselling and said I’d update you guys on my progress…so here it is:

I was given a call back and a telephone assessment, basically going over why I felt depressed. He also agreed I had “Perinatal Depression”, which actually covers more than just Postnatal Depression which means after birth, which is more accurate for me since my Depression first started when we lost our first baby.

We discussed my options and he thought 8 sessions of counselling would be a great starting point, at this stage the waiting list for counselling was 17 weeks! But because I fall into the “perinatal” category, I got moved up the waiting list so I was only 6 weeks away, but I actually had an appointment within 3 weeks, which was great.

I felt positive and happy to have taken the first step to help myself, which helped my mood to be lifted.

My first session nearly didn’t happen, the room was in a huge complex, hidden right in the middle around the other side of the building, so at first I went to the wrong reception. In my head this was a sign I shouldn’t go, I almost stormed off to go home, but I knew if I missed this session I’d be knocked off the list, so i fought my own mind’s negativity and although I was 5 minutes late, I found the room.

The counsellor was a lovely welcoming lady, I basically word vomited my whole life to her with all my anxieties and fears thrown in too, but she was great and didn’t make me feel silly for blurting it all out. She didn’t even need to say much, she just supported me in the decisions I was unsure about and basically told me that the way I am raising my children and living my life is OK and that I need to let go of the negative comments people make and just let them go over my head, she also thinks I’ve had a lot of trauma over the past five years of my life with losing two babies, Jack being really premature, my Dad passing away and a lot of other personal stresses that have caused me a lot of anxiety.

She thinks CBT will help me, once I’ve finished counselling. So I’m optimistic about that.

So my first counselling session went really well, I’m excited about my next one.

For those struggling with Depression who are thinking about starting counselling, I would say even after one session I feel more positive, it’s amazing the feeling that just making a forward step with supporting your own mental health can do.

There are so many options to help and support you if you feel depressed, you just need to take that step forward and the support is there, it isn’t a one size fits all and everyone’s story is different, but one thing that is true for everyone is that you should NEVER keep your feelings to yourself if you are feeling Depressed.

I’m keeping you guys updated to show how getting support for PND does work!

Here are some support links:

Samaritans

MIND

PANDAS

If you are in Lancashire like me this is who I get my counselling through:

Minds Matter

I will continue to keep you guys updated on my progress and if anyone wants to get in touch, share their success story or just to talk please comment or get in touch.

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Becoming a NICU mum

Becoming a NICU mum

This isn’t how it was supposed to pan-out.

We all anticipate how our babies will arrive and try to envisage that spectacular moment our little creation enters the world.

Then fate cruelly interjects and suddenly the dream bubble that’s been floating above your head for the past few months is torn in two and is replaced with the sound of beeping machines, the hustle and bustle of a busy ward and the reality of this tiny fragile human-being with wires and tubes protruding ever limb on their helpless little bodies.

It’s a massive shock to the system and you’re expected to just take it in your stride. As if becoming a mum for the first time or adding to your brood isn’t enough to take on board, now there’s the fear that this little part of you, won’t make it.

When they are born, that’s the helpless moment you lose the ability to protect your little one safely inside your body, the moment they leave your body, the responsibility then leaves you and is passed on to the nurses and doctors, which although we are grateful for, is heartbreaking, because all we want to do is cuddle our little bundles of joy and keep them safe in mummy’s arms.

With a “normal delivery” mum’s are so excited to finally meet their new addition, but during premature birth we have the fear of the unknown, knowing your baby may not breathe or be born with long-term health complications.

You would be judged for saying this isn’t what you wanted to happen, but I can’t quite understand why someone would pass judgement on the feelings of something they have no understanding of.

We don’t feel disappointment and sadness because this premature baby has become an inconvenience to our lives, quite the opposite.

It’s sadness for our baby and disappointment that this person we love more than anything else on the planet it having to struggle through the early days, weeks, months and sometimes even years of their life.

We call them fighters, because they are.

We call them miracles, because they are.

We wouldn’t change them because we love them in a specially particular way after being astounded by their strength….

But would we, if we had the choice wish they had never had to go through this?

Of course we would!

I look at Jack now, my waters went with him at 25+5 weeks and he was born at 29+5 weeks, spending 40 days in NICU and I’m still astounded by what he went through as a 3.5lb preemie. But the heartbreak of seeing my tiny baby squeal in pain with needle after needle, knowing his body couldn’t provide what he needed to keep him alive breaks my heart and I’d of taken it all for him if I could.

Nobody hopes to become a NICU mum, but once you are one, all you do is hope.

Hope that your little one makes it through the fight for their life.

I’m just one of the lucky ones my fighter made it through unscathed.

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You’re not making a rod for your own back

Advice…

It’s a great thing, we all need advice at certain points in our life and it’s up to us if we take it or not, most people don’t give advice unless asked for it.

But there are a select few that just think their advice is needed, at all times, in all situations. They aren’t trying to give gentle suggestions, they are telling you”how it is”.

These are a special kind of people that will tell you that you are “making a rod for your own back”, they aren’t intentionally trying to offend or upset you, it’s just that one of the special characteristics these people possess is that their brain isn’t connected to their mouth, therefore what comes out of it has already done the damage before they have the ability to consider the feelings of others.

I mean don’t let your toddler sleep in your bed…ever!

If you do, you are making a rod for your own back!

You aren’t having a special moment, with this perfect little person you created, where the feeling of their arms being around you is the best feeling in the world….

No No No!

Don’t you know that doing this, is has a direct result of your child staying in your bed until the end of time.

Didn’t you consider that having your 3 year old in bed with you when they are poorly and just want mummy, is a detrimental moment that means your child will stay in your bed until they are 35!

Dummies, Christ almighty! Do not, I repeat Do not! Give your child a dummy! (If you’re american…pacifier) The special advice givers will tell you, ignore the research that’s been done that proves that dummies early on in a babies life actually greatly reduces the risk of SIDS…

No No No!

Putting that dummy in your baby’s mouth after birth, means you’ve scarred them for life and you will never be able to get it out of their mouth.

I mean, how will you feel as a parent when they are sitting their A-levels and everyone’s looking at them going all Maggie Simpson on the dummy in their mouth.

Save yourself the pain, we all know that any kid ever given a dummy, has never had it successfully removed from their mouth for good, once their in it’s like superglue!

Crying! OK this one is going to pretty obvious, because let’s face it, the special advice givers will tell you…Do not, I repeat do not, pick your child up if they cry.

I mean what sort of a parent are you!? Your child is crying! Why the hell would you try and comfort them?! Are you trying to make them emotionally unstable?! Do you want them to think that affection and cuddles are good things?!

They must must must cry it out, the best remedy I’ve heard is…crack open a large bottle of wine, crank up MTV and drown out those tears, I mean you might have made this human, it doesn’t mean you want to listen to them cry? I mean, you’re only their mother, there’s only so much you can put up with.

I’m not talking about those babies that just whine at night, I mean they woke up upset, they’re feeling poorly or just a bit sad, don’t give in to these signs of weakness, harden that baby up and leave them to cry it out.

So if you’ve read to the end of this post, I’m hoping you got my sarcasm 😜

Of course I don’t believe any of the above, but when I had my first baby, when someone told me something I believed it. It’s only as my confidence has grown with being a mother, that I’ve trusted my own instinct. That’s what I want to encourage other women to do, you are their mother, trust your instincts! There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking advice, I ask for it all the time, but if you want to do something or raise your child a certain way that is only going to benefit them, don’t worry that you’re “making a rod for your own back” or “spoiling them” just do what the hell you want and leave the haters to raise their kids in their own way

 

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Three poorly babies

I know Jack & Mikey aren’t technically “babies” but they are MY babies, so I have three poorly babies today.

It’s been starting for a few days but today it’s hit our household like a bacteria filled bomb, all three have sticky eyes (Yuck!), poor Jack woke up and thought he was blind! 🙈

Mikey has no comprehension of why I have to clean his eyes, he’s the hardest one to help. Jack doesn’t like having his eyes cleaned (using boiling water and cotton wool) plus eye drops, but he knows he needs them and if he just plays along it’s over a lot quicker than if he fights me, Nicole hates having her eyes cleaned (she’s too young for drops) but is too little fight back, so just gives me a guilty feeling with her bottom lip.

But Mikey, he is the strongest out of all three and hates any sort of intervention, wiping his nose, washing his hair, changing his bum…he’s not a fan of anything like that, so trying to swipe his eyes with cotton wool in one direction so I’m not rubbing it back into his eye, then putting in eye drops is near-impossible, but I managed it, I may have had to gently restrain him with my legs, but it took me no longer than a minute, whereas I could have sat there for an hour trying to reason with him but got nowhere, if you are a fan of the TV show Friends….Imagine Rachel with the eye drop, but x10!

I had plans to take the kids out to the park today or maybe even to a play area, but I’m not so well myself and really all they want to do is stay in their pyjamas and watch TV, so I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to chill with them and not spread this cold/virus/eye infection whatever you want to call it, to the outside world.

Kids perk up pretty quickly so I’m hoping they’ll be OK for nursery and a play date tomorrow, there’s really no way to tell until the morning with kids, they are pretty unpredictable. I know they’ll be absolutely gutted to miss out but I suppose it’s my job to decide what is best and weigh up the pros and cons, they’ve been having their eye drops for two days now, so hopefully their eye will be better by tomorrow.

I’m doing a video on my Vlog about my poorly babies, check it out and please subscribe

Yummy Mummy’s Vlog

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When the protective Lioness roars

As mothers, we have built in “feeling sensor” it’s when we get a feeling something just isn’t quite right with our little ones.

Even if they aren’t in the same room, building, town or even the same country, no matter how old we get or how old they get, it never goes away, when there’s something amiss we just know!

I have to say, sometimes it can be a bit off, I’ll have the strongest feeling something is going to happen or something is wrong, but in reality it’s fine, but I’d say I have a 70% accuracy for knowing when my little ones need me.

So today in a play area we go to quite a lot, I got the feeling.

Jack ran off on his own, as he does and I was sat in a place I could see all parts of the play area, so I could see him at all times.

I didn’t even hear him scream, I just suddenly got this feeling he needed me.

I stood up, to look at him…Jack was walking away from this other kid who was following him and hitting him, Jack fell to the floor and this kid started kicking him!

This all happened within a few seconds, I was there by his side within this time, but it felt like a slow motion lifetime.

I felt this rage in my belly, I can’t explain, but it was as if my inner lioness was roaring, like I needed to rescue my baby cub…

OK OK, I know it wasn’t that bad, we aren’t at war and my son’s life wasn’t at risk, but he was scared and being hurt by another person, all-be-it this kid was no older than 3, definitely around Jack’s age, but still when someone is causing your child to be upset, the feeling you get as a mother is indescribable.

If it had just been a “toddler smack” I’d of probably waited to see if Jack either “toddler smacked” them back or told them off (the more likely option from Jack), but I saw the fear in my baby’s eyes and this boy wasn’t hitting like a toddler, he was using his fists to punch, this little boy was obviously used to playing rough.

So before I had a chance to compose myself, or even think about it, I found myself hunched over in the soft play area telling a strangers kid he was naughty and he shouldn’t hurt other kids.

Was it wrong of me to call another person’s child naughty? Probably…

Do I regret it? Probably not…

Should I have just pulled my child away, comforted him and left the parents to deal with whether their child should be punished? I don’t know…but I know it was my instinct to protect my child and to show him that if someone hurts you it is NOT ok.

I know if my child was that intentionally cruel and hurtful to another child, their “play time” would be over and they’d either be sitting out until their siblings finished playing or we’d be going home.

Usually, I’d wonder if I’d overreacted, to how bad a situation was. But me and every other mum in that place were sat gawking at the destructive rampage this kid was on, even after I told him he was naughty and he continued to hit and kick other children.

I have to say hats off to the mum, she brought him over, there was a bit of resistance, but she relented and got her kid to apologise.

It is embarrassing, really we’re all in the same boat, with these tiny dictators trying to show us up at every opportunity, it’s always a worry if you’re going to have to face the “judgemental, snooty mum”, well that definitely isn’t me, I have three very normal, very cute but at times extremely irritating children, I’m in no position to judge…

I mean at the end of the day, they are kids!

They push the boundaries, that could have easily been Jack making another kid cry, sometimes he shocks me with how brutal he can be to his own brother, so I’m not one to judge. All kids want to see what they can get away with and I don’t think anyone is exempt from their kid misbehaving, it’s how we deal with it that counts.

So maybe I should have waited for the mum to come over, before telling her son off, but I know if that were Jack he’d be less likely to do it ever again if a stranger were to tell him

 off, it would terrify him, so I don’t think I’d thank someone for telling my kid off, but I think having the fear that someone, especially a stranger might tell them off, would prevent future naughty moment (we can hope).

But to be honest kids are pretty unpredictable, so they’ll probably just do what the hell they like whilst making us look like terrible parents at the same time.

I’ve diverged a bit in this post, I’ve been thinking about it all day, knowing I’d write it. To be honest I was pretty upset when it happened and I was angry that my son told me “Mummy I’m too scared to go back in” but throughout writing this piece, it’s put it into perspective, that we’re all mums just trying to raise our kids into semi-descent human beings, so instead of judging the mum and her son, I need to look at the bigger picture and not let my inner mama-bear take over before thinking.

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The Heart Stopping Moment

The Heart Stopping Moment

It’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of heart stopping moments whilst being a mother, actually, even before I was a mother.

No heartbeat

We lost two babies before we had Jack, being told there was no heartbeat is like a punch in the stomach then being left with an empty feeling, it just felt like a never ending nightmare and like our future had been taken away from us before we’d even had it.

Then with Jack being born prematurely, I was constantly on pins, praying that nothing else would go wrong, hoping each day that he’d be healthy enough to come home, but there was always the reassurance that the medical staff were there, that they wouldn’t let him come home until he was “right”.

So it’s safe to say pregnancy is a pretty terrifying for me, I have a whole host of health problems during my pregnancies, so I get kind of impatient waiting for my baby to “just be here”, but nothing can prepare you for the fact it could all be taken away in an instant.

Time stood still

This time last week, time stood still and it felt like my heart stopped, it’s actually taken me a week to write this blog post because I’ve only just got my head around it.

Having a late night with the hubby, watching Goodfellas (as you do), it was three minutes past twelve (don’t ask me how I remember that, time literally stood still) and Nicole was being fussy and not wanting to feed even though she seemed hungry, which is not like her, she loves to feed and would literally be on my boob all day.

Then suddenly she started making a grunting noise and was bolt upright, as if she was in agony, I tried winding her and then she began struggling to breathe. I passed her to Paul he couldn’t settle her either, she was getting more and more worked up and unable to breathe properly so we rang an Ambulance.

It’s strange, my kids will do things throughout the day like climbing and falling but not hurting themselves, eating and almost choking, becoming ill with a cold or virus and it’s always in the back of my mind to ring a professional for help either my doctors or the hospital, but in this situation I just knew we needed emergency care.

She started to turn blue

I took her back in my arms and she went from feeling like she was full of frustration and bolt upright, to floppy with her eyes rolling back and she started to turn blue.

That moment was the most terrifying of my life, I felt like every part of my body that holds me together just fell apart, helpless…that’s the word. Suddenly for that moment the world stopped and everything felt quiet and cold, I was on the phone to the emergency services and I could hear the woman saying “calm down or I can’t help you, please calm down” then I realised I was hysterical, I didn’t even know I was, I’d gone completely into myself, just for a moment but it felt like hours, then my phone battery died.

It was as if her body was giving up

That was it, I snapped back to reality with the terrifying concept she may not have arranged an ambulance. I’d told her my address, I’d told her my baby was four months old, actually I think I told her that about 20 times, we quickly rushed to the house phone, by this time Nicole had come back round but she was still slightly limp and grunting, it was as if her body was giving up.

My husband got onto the house phone and rang 999 again, I could hear him pleading with them to just send an ambulance, but he later told me they wouldn’t until he’d been through the appropriate questions, all I could hear him saying “my baby is four months old and she isn’t breathing, please send an ambulance” and then he kept saying “just send one”, “please she isn’t breathing just send one”, by this time an Ambulance was outside our home, thank goodness the first call handler from when my phone had died had sent one.

She was going to be OK

I ran into the ambulance, I had no shoes on and Nicole was only in a t-shirt, by this time she had come round a lot but was still grunting, so we took her to hospital. I nipped into the house just to grab some nappies and baby grow for her and the realisation hit me like a wave, she was going to be OK, I mean for all I knew it could have happened again, but I don’t know how to explain it, I just felt it, she was OK.

She was checked over and cooed over by every member of staff in A&E and they reassured me this is just a thing that happens with young babies, they just have these little episodes, some come round from it, some don’t, so we’re very lucky.

The fact that this “just happens” terrifies me, I love being a mother, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, but since the moment my first child was born I have this unbelievable fear of how I could ever cope with life if something happened to one of my babies, as the saying goes “it isn’t worth thinking about” but last week Nicole made me think about it and that was my heart stopping moment and I hope I never have one again in my life.

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