Pregnancy, something women can do that men can’t, so people assume it’s OK to ask about and of course they mean no harm, but a lot of women are fighting a battle you know nothing about.
The heartbreaking truth is, there are so many battles, you can never be too careful when speaking to a women about having a baby, there are so many scenarios, anyone could be suffering silently and you know nothing about it.
The couple you ask “When will we be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet?”
For all you know they may have trouble conceiving, they may have tried IVF, it may have failed.
They may have lost a baby, they may have lost several.
Or maybe they aren’t ready yet, they might not of even had that conversation, or maybe they have and have decided it isn’t their time yet. But still this is the question they get asked at every coffee with a friend, family function or by nosy strangers.
The women who’s going into her late 20’s, or her 30’s or even her 40’s, you tell her she better get a move on, her biological clock is ticking.
What if she has a health condition? What if she doesn’t want to tell you about it? But yet now she has to make the decision of whether she has to disclose that information to you or brush it off and make some excuse for why she isn’t having children, yet inside her heart is breaking.
Maybe she doesn’t want children, yet has to justify this reason to you. But why? Shouldn’t this be her decision? If she feels like talking about it, then she can.
What if she hasn’t found the person she feels is the right person to have a child with? Why should she have to settle and rush the decision on who she should make another human being with, because society is pressurising her?
Or maybe, just maybe, she isn’t ready yet, she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready, but when her time comes she’ll know. She shouldn’t have to have her life mapped out just because you ask her.
The couple that already have children, the first question is always “So when are you having another?”.
Really? Why is that the first question, why isn’t it about their life right now? Why can’t their life be perfect right now, just the way it is? Why is there the constant…what’s next, about someone’s life?
There seems to be common assumption that because a couple have had a baby, that they can easily have another, this isn’t always the case. Secondary Infertility is extremely common.
Can you imagine how heartbreaking it must feel for people to assume…”well you’ve done it once why can’t you do it again?” How frustrating must it be knowing your body has done that and all you want is for it to do it again, yet it won’t.
Or even worse, people give the “Well at least you’ve got one(or two or three etc.)” who is anyone to judge whether someone can be heartbroken that they can’t conceive, it doesn’t mean they don’t love the child they have with all their heart, if anything it means they love that child so much they want another mini human to love unconditionally like they do with their other children.
The men, people seem to think that men are a free for all when it comes to insulting conception comments. They are the other half of this couple, they are feeling the pain just as much as their partner is. Just because they don’t carry their child doesn’t mean they won’t feel the pain of a Miscarriage or yet another negative pregnancy test.
Or what is to say that men can’t have a yearning for children, yet they haven’t found the right woman to do it with?
Even insults about their ability to be “a man” because they haven’t managed to father a child, how is that any different to saying a woman is “less of a woman” because they can’t conceive. Both are unacceptable untrue comments, that unfortunately still get said.
Pregnancy, usually the first question is “What are you hoping for? Boy or Girl?”, but if you’ve already got a child it is automatically assumed you really want the opposite gender for your new baby, it could never just be the case that you just want a healthy baby?
Pregnancies can be so complicated, sometimes all you need is for someone to ask if you’re OK, or how you are doing. Not “I bet you can’t wait for it to be over” or “You’re so big are you sure there’s only one in there?” or “You’re so small, are you sure you’re that far along?”. All questions said completely innocently, but to a pregnant woman can be upsetting and offensive.
Most people don’t mean to offend and you can’t be aware of everyone’s situations, I’m guilty of innocently saying a comment that I hadn’t realised may have hurt someone’s feelings. The point of this post isn’t to stop people speaking and expecting people to tip toe around each other, but just to be aware that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so just be considerate and think before you speak.