Please watch my first ever Vlog and don’t forget to Subscribe!
Please watch my first ever Vlog and don’t forget to Subscribe!
So today is a day full of firsts!
Mikey has his first proper session at nursery at the same time as Jack.
Which means three hours alone time with my baby girl, that’s a first!
She has slept most of the time, so this is actual, real alone time! Another first!
Plus tonight I’m going to give Vlogging a go!
I love writing, I’m still going to blog, my love for writing is a need I have to get everything written down, it’s sort of like a counselling session, ha!
But some things I capture of my kids on video are just hilarious and part of why I do this blogging/vlogging business is for my kids to look back on it when they are older, I think they are way more likely to watch videos than read pages and pages of blog posts.
So I hope you’ll check out my YouTube and watch my videos as well as continue to read my blog! Here’s the trailer to my page, if you could please check it out and subscribe I’d really love it! Also if you’re on YouTube yourself, comment with your page and I’ll sub you back:
Also I’ll let you know how Mikey’s first day went, I’m very nervous!
He didn’t even give me a second glance! Good for him, sad for me!
If you’re on Twitter why not join me for Mummy Hour!
8pm-9pm every Thursday I’ll be Retweeting your comments, questions and topics and discussing them.
It’s a great time for mum’s to grab an hour when (or if) the kids are in beds and get chatting to other mums, you can stay in your PJ’s, drink your tea (or wine) and natter away in the comfort of your own home!
What are you waiting for it’s nearly 8pm, join me over on Twitter.
Don’t forget to tag me @Yummymummysblog and use the hashtag #YMBMummyHour
The Proud Mummy Moments
When you have a premature baby the idea of the distant future doesn’t seem as important as it did before, all that matters is the next day, the next hour, the next five minutes. While they are NICU the outside world doesn’t exist to you anymore, all that matters is this moment and getting your baby through it.
When those days become a memory and you look back on what your little miracle has been through, it makes you so grateful for all they can achieve now they are out of the woods.
Luckily for us, Jack came home with no complications, he surpassed all his milestones for his birth date never mind his due date and was discharged from the paediatrician. He turned three in November and is about to go from two to three sessions a week.
I popped in to pick him up last Tuesday and his key worker brought out his monthly review that she was filling in and said he’s surpassing everything, but they always look for an area of improvement so they are going to focus on his maths, he can count but they are going to develop his skills further. Great! I thought to my self, quite advanced if you ask me but he seems to be enjoying himself and learning more and more so who am I to argue.
This was when I mentioned increasing his sessions by one more, asking her to see when they had another morning session available. I explained to her, he started April 2016 with one three hour session, then in September 2016 I increased it again and it’s now January and we’ve increased to a third session. I’d like him to be doing 15 hours before he starts school, so I have an idea in my head of increasing to four sessions in April (12 hours) and five sessions by September (15 hours) then he will be doing 15 hours for a year before he starts school in September 2018.
The wrong group
I explained this to his key worker and she looked at me confused, saying he starts school in September this year. Nooo, I told her he was born November 2013, yes he will be one of the older kids, but he doesn’t start until 2018. She had thought he was more advanced therefore older and it turns out he’s been in the pre-school group all this time! Not only that but he was doing amazing in every aspect!
I’m proud of my kids for hitting any milestones and for all of their achievements, but for Jack it is just that bit more amazing, he was born almost three months early weighing only 3lbs, he couldn’t breathe on his own and was only allowed 0.5mls of milk every 6 hours, how does he go from that to being the top of a class that is supposed to be too advanced for him?!
He really is our little miracle, he overcame all the odds and now he’s surpassing everyone’s expectations, he makes me such a proud mummy, to have such a clever, special boy.
Before I had a baby, I was definitely very different to after I had a baby.
It wasn’t actually that quick…the transition, but it happened. I never wanted to be one of “them” mums, rocking the “mum bun”, leggings and wiping kids snot with my sleeve. But becoming “that mum” was inevitable.
Now I think I’ve had a successful day if I’ve brushed my hair before wrapping it up in a bun, leggings are me “dressing up” and my sleeve has wiped more things that just snot.
I joke about it, because on the surface it is all part of being a mum, sacrificing the daily shower for questioning whether you can use dry shampoo six days in a row. Swapping sleepless nights out on the town for sleepless nights where you could hand your baby to a passing stranger just for a solid hour.
Plus it’s acceptable, that’s what happens when you have a child and if you’re like me and fit three children into three years, you definitely won’t have time for painting your nails.
It’s easy to get caught up in life as a mum and not give your appearance a second look, I mean you have this amazing little person in your life to love more than anything in the world. But suddenly you look in the mirror and don’t recognise the tired, ungroomed person staring back at you. It’s obvious what’s happened, your priorities have changed and with that you’ve sacrificed a lot of yourself for your child and that doesn’t mean you’ve let yourself go, it makes you’re an amazing mother who has put her child before herself.
I remember a time, I went out for coffee and adult conversation didn’t seem like a luxury, I’d be dressed up everyday, because back then I didn’t see wearing make-up as a luxury. Now I find my self make-up free, sat in public places Breast feeding, making werewolf sounds with my 2 year old and pretending to get caught in Spiderman’s web by my three year old, it’s safe to say I have changed.
Grown up conversation now-a-days isn’t really that grown up, because all my grown up friends have babies, so our conversations are about babies…even when the babies aren’t there.
Don’t get me wrong, being a mum is the best feeling ever, I love it. I wouldn’t change a single stretch mark, tear or laugh because it’s the most amazing experience of my life. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I’ve lost my identity to the name Mum. Sometimes I want to say my name is Emma as well as Mum.
But then I remember I have a 3 year old, 2 year old and 4 month old. It’s still early days, they are still so little, they still completely need me.
But one day they won’t……
I’ll always be their mum, but one day they will grow up and won’t fully depend on me and I’ll wish more than anything that they did. I’ll want them to need looking after by mummy again and that feeling is more important to me than getting back the luxuries of life without dependant little people, I will get that back again…eventually.
But once my little ones are grown up I won’t get this time back again.
So if you feel all consumed by being a mum, like you’ve lost the person you used to be, just remember, you’ll never get this time back with your little one again, but as for the person you lost, you will get her back…eventually.
But you don’t look depressed…
Apparently if you’ve had Postnatal Depression before you are more likely to have it again.
When I first had Depression I didn’t think it was Depression, I thought these were normal feelings after losing a baby, actually after losing two.
Being pregnant again and getting past my “safe point” of 12 weeks during my pregnancy with Jack seemed to help, but then I was taught a harsh lesson about how there is no safe point in pregnancy, when my waters went at 25 weeks and he was then born at 29 weeks. Those same feelings came back and my coping mechanism with life (or lack of) returned, that seems to be my way of spotting when something isn’t quite right with me, if I am suddenly unable to cope with everyday situations.
Of course my baby being born almost 3 months early wasn’t an everyday occurrence, so I cut myself some slack, just because I had the same feelings as when I lost the babies, didn’t mean I was Depressed, right?…Wrong.
I had this amazing baby, finally at home, finally in my arms, yet I felt like I wanted to die. I was so terrified of someone holding my baby and hypersensitive to what people said that I was isolated, but that was okay (to me). My baby had been born early, it was OK to be overprotective, that’s what I thought, and do you know what? I wasn’t wrong, I had every reason to be overprotective, but my fears of leaving the house, even walking down the street were wrong, it was Depression, it turns out it had never really gone, there just happened to be a lot of traumatic things happening around me that gave me even more reason to be sad.
So for a moment I sat and thought about how I may have Postnatal Depression after my first child was born, but I also felt off-colour, maybe I was ill? No…I was pregnant. Jack was three months old and he was going to be a big brother. Well, that answered all my questions, it must have been my hormones making me think like that. They’ll settle down, I thought, then before I had any time to think about myself or what may be going on in my head, or even the joy of a new baby…
I got the phone call every child dreads, my Mum saying my Dad was having a heart attack. He’d had one before when he was 42, it was very minor and he’d been improving since then, age now 50, I calmly got ready to make my way up to the hospital to check on him, but that wasn’t the case. As soon as my Mum told me, “they said his heart isn’t beating” that’s when I knew it was over, I just knew in the pit of my stomach, he wasn’t coming back.
So as my bump grew, so did my Depression, but my Dad had died of course I was depressed, it was grief! I’d never thought about the fact that since my first loss with a Molar Pregnancy, which brought with it a Cancer scare, that I had been suffering with Depression all this time, I had the thinking process that once I’d had Mikey I would be OK.
Don’t get me wrong, if you met me on the street or even spent a few hours with me, you’d probably say “You don’t look Depressed”, I was a master of disguising it, partially because I was ashamed, I had two perfect children by this time, what did I have to be Depressed about? And the rest of my fear was telling someone and then once flood gates open, they don’t close.
There’s also the fear everyone is too afraid to talk about, that your children could be taken away from you, I thought if I told my doctor that I felt like I was worthless and failing in every aspect of my life, that I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning and I was afraid to leave the house, that he’d think I couldn’t cope and would take my kids away, but this isn’t the case.
Finally I got the courage to go to the doctors over a year after first telling him I felt Depressed and he helped me, I didn’t take antidepressants because I was Breast feeding and didn’t want to stop, but I started counselling, which helped. I found life easier to cope with, I wasn’t afraid to get in a car with the kids in case it crashed, or walk down the street in case someone just took them from me, I felt like I could lead a normal life again, of course I will always grieve for my Dad, but life was manageable again.
So with my fifth pregnancy and third baby, I felt strong, like this time was different. I’d got into a great routine with my boys, they are both great kids, who sleep, eat and behave well (most of the time). There was the everyday stress of life in general, knowing I had to have a Cesarean which wasn’t what I wanted but was safest for baby and planning my wedding, but I was coping.
So what came next hit me like a tonne of bricks…
My husband Paul and I had a minor argument about 9 days after Nicole was born, it was that minor I can’t remember what it was about, but I remember just thinking “I can’t cope with this…I want to die”. The feelings of anxiety crept back again, I was scared to do things in case something bad happened, yet no-one knew. Since then it’s been like a snowball effect, it’s just got bigger.
There is a stigma that comes with Depression, that you must have a reason for it, it needs to be solvable…but what if it isn’t? I don’t want to feel like this, I hate that I anticipate every situation, conversation and reaction, but I can’t help it. I’ve got Depression…again, and it isn’t fussy who it chooses.
So I don’t look Depressed…
I can tell you, you’re right I don’t have the face of Depression because there isn’t one, it doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have, what religion you are or what race you are, Depression can affect anyone at anytime.
I have three beautiful healthy children, an amazing husband and a loving family, I have every reason in the world to be happy and I am a lot of the time, but when I have a chance to gather my thoughts, or I’m faced with an everyday situation, I crumble.
Being Depressed doesn’t make me a bad mother, I love my kids, I look after them and I do everything in my power to make them happy. There isn’t even a question in my mind that I’d rather be anywhere or doing anything else than being with my kids, but the stigma of Depression leaves people feeling like they don’t deserve their children and this just isn’t the case.
If you are suffering with Depression, you need to talk to someone. Whether it is a family member, friend or a doctor. Let someone who cares know how you are feeling, there is no way out of it alone, I’ve learnt that the hard way, I’m about to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, in the hope I can put these horrible feelings behind me.
The only way to fight it is to talk to someone, Depression wants to isolate you…don’t let it.
Here’s some support links:
The latest tradition at Christmas seems to be Christmas Eve Boxes, I think they are a great idea, so they will be an annual tradition in our house.
I’ve put together a step by step guide on what to put in your boxes.
These are only suggestions, so feel free to tweak wherever you feel appropriate and these boxes are based on my children who are two boys aged 2 & 3 and a baby girl aged 3 months.
The part I love best about Christmas Eve Boxes is Pyjamas & Socks! There’s nothing better than waking up on Christmas morning with brand new PJs and Socks on, it just makes opening your presents that much better!
T-shirts! These weren’t in my original plan but are festive cute and extremely cheap from Primark, so why not?!
Activity books from Poundland! Christmas Eve is the big build up before the big day, so something festive to keep them distracted and busy is a great idea!
Books (at the time of purchasing these were 3 for 2 in M&S), why not enjoy a new bedtime story before the big guy drops off their gifts? These aren’t particularly festive books, but they are lovely classic stories that caught my eye when out shopping.
Festive DVDs of their favourites are a great way to keep them entertained and get all excited for Santa’s big visit.
Add in some festive treats like yummy chocolate biscuits to nibble on, popcorn to eat while watching the movie, chocolate gingerbread melts for their hot chocolate, candy canes are a Christmas must and why not add in their name in Chocolate to personalise? (Plus don’t forget a special glass to drink chocolate milk from)
Babies are hard to buy for, but first Christmas gifts are ideal! Add in a bauble, stocking and comforter!
To add some fun throw in some reindeer dust, snowballs (they actually scrunch like real ones), a tin with a letter from Santa, a plate to put out the mince pie & carrot and some reindeer food (oats & glitter).
Put all in a festive box and I added some red straw and bells to give it a little jingle!
Then wah-la! You have Christmas Eve Boxes, display them or fold them all away…it’s up to you.
I got the boxes from ASDA they were only £3 each at the time of purchase!
I hope this helped and feel free to comment with any extra suggestions that you put in your Christmas Eve Boxes, I love new ideas!