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A break from blogging

So  I’ve had a bit of a break from blogging the last few months. I’ve really missed it and feel there are so many things I have missed recording about my little monkey’s.

To re-cap I have two little boys Jack (2.5 yrs) and Michael (1.5 yrs) and write about all the trials and tribulations of being their mummy. Since I stopped blogging things have changed quite a lot, I am now expect a baby GIRL!

I will talk about my pregnancy more in upcoming posts but I’m still in shock it is a girl!

I just wanted to write a quick post about why I haven’t been blogging for a while, there has been no major reason other than life just getting in the way.

So now I have my 2yr old, 1 yr old, 20 weeks Pregnancy and my wedding in 8 weeks! Safe to say I have plenty to write about…..

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My Journey through Pre and Post Natal Depression

First discovering I was Pregnant in August 2012, it was a huge shock. I was half way through studying to be a nurse and had only been with my partner Paul for 4 months. Shock soon turned to joy, only the Sunday before my dating scan I began to bleed heavily,.

It turned out I had suffered a Molar Pregnancy, and needed an Evacuation of the pregnancy.

The doctor performing the Termination’s that day obviously didn’t look into my notes and just assumed I wanted to terminate a healthy pregnancy, after asking me if the pregnancy was planned, I replied with “No, but it was a nice surprise”, his response…”I think you should get some better Contraception to ensure this doesn’t happen again!”, his patronising tone devastated me because I wanted this baby more than anything.

By January 2013, I was a completely different person to the year before, everything was about pregnancy, every word uttered from my mouth would be some how to do with having a baby, slightly obsessive, but after our loss I wanted it more than ever. Paul was completely supportive and wanted a baby too by this point, the Molar Pregnancy hit him hard too.

I was soon pregnant again and we had a good feeling this time. My GP sent me at for a scan at 5 weeks, to make sure it wasn’t another MP , nothing was there! I was devastated and hysterical but the Sonographer reassured me it was just a little too early, back home I received a phone call, the midwife told me my blood result showed I was definitely pregnant. Then the next day tragedy struck me again, bleeding heavily I went to hospital and was told I was having a miscarriage.

When I became pregnant again in May 2013, we weren’t surprised, I’d never had trouble getting pregnant, it just seemed the ‘safe point’ of 12 weeks was a million miles away. I knew deep down 12 weeks wasn’t really a complete safe point, but this was my first big hurdle. Having never seen a baby’s heartbeat on the Sonographer’s screen, when I had a huge bleed at 7 weeks I expected there just to be my empty uterus again. Empty…this feeling was becoming more and more familiar.

Then on the screen flickered a healthy little heart beat! Our baby was healthy! My pregnancy was textbook from then on, only at 25+5 weeks my waters broke! Rushed to hospital, I was given pills to stop labour and to our surprise they worked!Then at 29+5 weeks after 22 hours of labour my boy Jack Sydney Woodhouse was born weighing 3lbs and half an oz on 11-11-2013! He spent 6 weeks in NICU, with us rooming in on the ward, he battled his way through needing oxygen, Jaundice, a Congenital Heart Disease and drinking milk orally. He came home just in time for Christmas on 21-12-2013 after 40 days.

Having a healthy baby at home, I’d had everything I’d always wanted. I was happy I loved my son and Paul, yet I felt sad, I didn’t know why. I felt paranoid that someone would hold my son and give him a cold, something that could be fatal to a premature baby, I felt paranoid that someone would want to take him! After all our families were telling me how much they were in love with my son, I felt threatened, all I cared about was keeping my son safe and in my eyes that was to shield him from everyone! Then when Jack was 3 months old I discovered something I hadn’t bargained on….I was pregnant AGAIN!

For the 4th time in a year and a half I was pregnant again, everyone was worried about my mental and physical health, but I just thought they think I can’t cope, they think I’m a bad mother. I was madly in love with my son and doted on him, he got all of my affection and happiness, but to the rest of the world I was angry, no-one could approach me, this was my little family and I wasn’t going to let anyone take it away, Paul tried to reason from me, but in my head I knew I was right, everyone was against me.

I didn’t just snap out of it, well I did but not for no reason, I wish I had just woke up one morning and feeling resolved with no sacrifices, but the thing that made me come back to reality was the most devastating day of my life, my Dad died, at just 50 years old he was a wonderful Dad to me and my three older brother and Granddad to his three soon to be four grandsons.

This devastating event made me reconsider my hatred for the world, I didn’t go back to my happy fun loving self, I just shut down, showing no emotion at all. I couldn’t let my self be devastated for my Dad’s death in case I miscarried, I wanted my baby to be safe and I know my Dad would have wanted that too, in time I gave birth to my beautiful boy Michael David Woodhouse on 01-10-14 exactly six months to the day after my Dad died. Since then I have softened, my anger is gone, now I just feel sadness, I miss my Dad everyday and after two years of closing my self off from the world I am finally letting my self grieve for the babies we lost and most importantly for my Dad.

Looking back I wish I had recognised my symptoms and gone to the doctors for help, maybe my story will spur others on to do so. I got up everyday and put on a fake smile for the world but inside I was crumbling, Depression isn’t always on the face of sufferers.

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Mummy can’t be ill…

As a child when we’re ill we get nursed back to health by our doting parents, my own experience would be to have a duvet on the sofa and sole control over what we watched on TV plus the magic medicine…Original Lucozade.

Now at 23 as a mother to two children, reality has hit me hard, that even when you are in agonising pain, the sympathy you will get is minimal. I’ve found the only time I get real sympathy and allowances for being in such pain is when I deliver a child at the end of it.

My partner is the perfect Daddy to my children and would be as sympathetic to them as my Dad was to me, yet when it comes to me, I basically am expected to get on with it.

I’m sure there are mothers out there who’s partner’s dote on them when they are ill, but I think I’m not alone in that he just can’t deal with it when I’m ill. Don’t get me wrong, he is the perfect father, helps massively with the housework, goes out to work and pays the bills, yet he just can’t show me that bit of sympathy when I’m ill.

Am I being too demanding? I don’t want him dressed up as a doctor and holding my hand as if I’m on my death bed, but is it so much to ask that he feel sorry for me when I have to look after two kids all day when I’m in agony from Sinusitis.

I get told to take painkillers, go to bed and get over it, yet he thinks I’m just being awkward when I say I can’t stomach painkillers until I manage to eat something which is near-impossible when my face feels like it has been hit by a bus, plus Sinusitis really kicks in when you lie down, I’d love nothing more than to sleep for 24 hours, but I feel like I’ve got a cement block on top of my head as soon as I lay verticle.

Is it just a male thing? Or am I thinking I’m not alone when I really am? Maybe I need to ‘grow up’ as my partner says, I am of course a mother, but surely when I’m in pain or unwell I deserve to be looked after too? I’m not just a mother, I’m a human being too…..