Becoming a NICU mum
This isn’t how it was supposed to pan-out.
We all anticipate how our babies will arrive and try to envisage that spectacular moment our little creation enters the world.
Then fate cruelly interjects and suddenly the dream bubble that’s been floating above your head for the past few months is torn in two and is replaced with the sound of beeping machines, the hustle and bustle of a busy ward and the reality of this tiny fragile human-being with wires and tubes protruding ever limb on their helpless little bodies.
It’s a massive shock to the system and you’re expected to just take it in your stride. As if becoming a mum for the first time or adding to your brood isn’t enough to take on board, now there’s the fear that this little part of you, won’t make it.
When they are born, that’s the helpless moment you lose the ability to protect your little one safely inside your body, the moment they leave your body, the responsibility then leaves you and is passed on to the nurses and doctors, which although we are grateful for, is heartbreaking, because all we want to do is cuddle our little bundles of joy and keep them safe in mummy’s arms.
With a “normal delivery” mum’s are so excited to finally meet their new addition, but during premature birth we have the fear of the unknown, knowing your baby may not breathe or be born with long-term health complications.
You would be judged for saying this isn’t what you wanted to happen, but I can’t quite understand why someone would pass judgement on the feelings of something they have no understanding of.
We don’t feel disappointment and sadness because this premature baby has become an inconvenience to our lives, quite the opposite.
It’s sadness for our baby and disappointment that this person we love more than anything else on the planet it having to struggle through the early days, weeks, months and sometimes even years of their life.
We call them fighters, because they are.
We call them miracles, because they are.
We wouldn’t change them because we love them in a specially particular way after being astounded by their strength….
But would we, if we had the choice wish they had never had to go through this?
Of course we would!
I look at Jack now, my waters went with him at 25+5 weeks and he was born at 29+5 weeks, spending 40 days in NICU and I’m still astounded by what he went through as a 3.5lb preemie. But the heartbreak of seeing my tiny baby squeal in pain with needle after needle, knowing his body couldn’t provide what he needed to keep him alive breaks my heart and I’d of taken it all for him if I could.
Nobody hopes to become a NICU mum, but once you are one, all you do is hope.
Hope that your little one makes it through the fight for their life.
I’m just one of the lucky ones my fighter made it through unscathed.